First Steps Aren't That Bad....

Day started with my favorite: waffles, turkey, and syrup. I had water to drink and only used up 8pts for my 36 pt day!! I am full and not feeling like I was ripped off by eating cardboard and cottage cheese (nothing against all you cottage cheese lovers, I just prefer something heartier for breakfast). I planned my shopping list and made a point to document my food.

I thought that giving up Food Friends (my secret name for those 'make me happy' foods) was going to be tough, I love waffles. But I like my donuts (dear Boston creme, I have to break up  with you now), cookies, cakes, and pies too. Somehow, over the years, I've always gone back to them. They never judge, never curse my efforts, never cringe at my sour demeanor. The FFs know exactly how to get my dopamine receptors purring and whurring! In my quest to be a happy person I've turned some areas numb. It's this numbness that creeps out into my reality from time to time, reminding me of my inadequacies, impatient side, my inability to capture love, or to maintain a romantic relationship (see failed marriage part one). Alas, those FFs were ready to pick up the slack and I allowed them to caress my inner organs with warm lust and happy feelings.

But, as the days grow longer and the years older, I am wiser and know that this destructive path cannot last. My inner organs are relatively healthy. By medical indicators I'm just...morbidly obese (BMI states this for a fact...even my former pulmonologist had doubts that I'd be a good ventilator candidate, which is crucial for coming off the breathing machine when all is said an done). That word morbid struck a nerve. I should have gotten angry then and jumped on the weight loss bandwagon harder. But something made me fall off. I listened to the FFs of donuts and ice cream and well, I'm here now. I want to change and I want it in a bad way.

So I'm doing this for my organs. They love me enough to work well everyday, without a missed beat, without shortness of breath, without swollen limbs. But how long can this last? How much do I hate myself to have allowed this to spiral out of control? I have a vision: skydiving, drift car racing, horseback riding, swimming, dancing. These thing I want to do again. Do until I have no breath in me.